HOW TO BE A NIGERIAN PARENT

So you want to be a Nigerian parent?

Who better to learn from than the culprits themselves?

Nigerian parents must belong to the same cult because how the hell do they act so alike at times, like they get tips from the same individual. Anyone else wonder?

* Superpowers

Nigerian parents possess a common superpower, the ability to command and get things done. Why else would they sit in the living room with the remote located on the table directly within arm’s length but still decide to call on you (who is nowhere near) to hand them the remote? Yet, you have no choice but to obey.

* Masters Degree in Sarcasm

“Where should I put it?”

I bet you already know what comes next.

“Put it on my head.”

Yes, we’ve heard it over a thousand times. This phrase is on the lips of any typical Nigerian Parent.

A Nigerian Parent without the sarcasm is just not a Nigerian Parent.

* Na your papa money? Yes 😪

Visitors had this common habit of blessing our little fingers as kids with cash. But once you receive that cash in the presence of your parents, it’s best you acknowledge that it’s not yours anymore. Nigerian parents are laying in ambush waiting for the right time to strike, to strip you of your earnings. To be very honest, that thing dey pain💔.
You’ll feel like you just lost a body part, you’ll even fantasize about running
away.

* Disgrace is a dish that Nigerian Parents are always ready to serve, any day, anytime.

Nigerian parents are champions at this. I recall a time in Junior classes when a mother came to school to inform the whole class that her son was dirty and he regularly wet the bed at his age.

Okay ma, now that you’ve told
me, what should I do with this information or what did you hope to achieve bydoing this?What if I bed wet too?

She was probably counting on us to be the immature children that we obviously were and make him a subject of ridicule, a task that we executed perfectly.

Or the story of the girl who at the smallest sign of boobs forming thought it’d be a good idea to breastfeed the child she was supposed to be babysitting as well as other toddlers
in the face–me–I-face–you house. Having had the opportunity to have lived directly opposite one, I was used to witnessing a lot of drama and this one was no different. Her parents decided to deal with her outside, on the street, in public. They flogged this babe ehn, I felt sorry for her😂. To top it off, one callous neighbour was screaming “naked am and flog am well.”

* Thou shalt not remain idle, not even for a millisecond.

To Nigerian parents, pressing your phone is a glaring sign that you’re jobless and have not been assigned enough chores. Pressing your phone in
the presence of Nigerian parents equals felony.

Then why do I have a phone,
pray tell? For decoration? Is it an ornament?

They don’t even consider you might be
attending to important issues. They’ll initially complain of how you’re always
pressing your phone and then apportion you an errand or two since you have so much time on your hands.

* If they gave you life, they automatically don’t owe you any money, ever.

Never make the mistake of lending a Nigerian parent money. Risk it
and try asking for your money back, I can bet you my left boob that they’ll tell
you the history of how you were carried in the womb for nine months and how they’ve providing your basic needs ever since. If they ever pay you back, you should give a testimony in church because a Nigerian parent paying the money they owe you
should also be classified as a miracle.

* Pseudo-Detectives

Let some Nigerian parents catch
you smiling at your phone, they behave like detectives who just uncovered some sort of mystery.

“Who are you talking to?”

Somebody.

You don’t know the person.

Why do you want to know?

Evade the question and they automatically assume you have a lover.

Very nosy set of people.😑

Now listen, simply imitate all the traits listed above and you’re well on your way to becoming a Nigerian parent.

Won’t you tell me thank you?

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